Fudge can be a fickle thing.
You can get right to the end, think you have done everything right, and yet somehow, something has happened and it’s no good.
You just don't get this with chocolate rice crispy cakes. So what does this temperamental foodstuff want from us? When it comes to proper fudge, it turns out…a lot. A heck of a lot, but it's oh so worth it.
Fudge’s main friend, or our enemy, is heat. Go too cold, you have a sauce, but go too hot and you have yourself a lovely toffee. Get it just a few degrees in the wrong direction, and you’ll soon end up being a puddle on the floor with the fudge laughing at you.
So what do you do if you want to make your own?
Firstly, re-evaluate your life choices. Are you sure you want to do this? You could buy it from us instead from our Online Fudge Shop and not have to worry about a thing?
Ok, let’s assume you want to forge a fudge path ahead (try saying that 10 times). We'll hold your hand through this. It's an experience.
Firstly, find your recipe. Anything that just gives you times, ignore. YOU NEED TEMPERATURES. Hear our imaginary fist on the desk because reader, you need temperatures.
Your hob won’t be the same as theirs and quite often, their results are absolute pap. They just hide it with tricks and mirrors that we fudgemakers can spot (no your fudge wasn't so delicious, you forgot to film what it came out like. WE SEE YOU).
Do not attempt without a thermometer, unless you're the kind of person who eats pickled eggs by choice (What even are you?)
Also, we won’t acknowledge microwave fudge recipes because…just no.
So you have your fudge recipe and you have the ingredients. Now what?
We’ll save you time. Slap yourself on the leg. Yes, it smarts. That’s what the next hour or so will be like for you. Get used to it. Feel a headache coming? You've reached Level 2 of fudge making already.
Everything’s in the pot? Great, let’s get hot and stir the swirly goodness.
STIR LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
Your sugar crystallisation sure does.
Right, now we’re boiling. Good god, what do we do? How long has it been? Who is the president of America? How long has that doll been staring at us?
Doesn't matter. Just stir. Never mind those who say don’t stir when it boils. They can clean the burnt pans and mop up the tears from the cruddy bottom waste.
Keep going! Get to the promised land…soft ball temp. 116 degrees Celsius typically. Whatever you do…get there.
You’ve got there.
Christ, panic! What now?
We do. Thank goodness.
Take it off the heat and leave it alone. Don’t even look at it. Pretend it’s an ex you want to see you having a great time. Maybe the kettle just said something funny? HAR HAR HAR.
Right, it’s been a while. We almost got distracted doing the ironing (we jest, what's an iron?). Let’s get stirring.
Arm feeling like it’s going to drop off yet? Ha! Keep going. Who needs two of them anyway? You can have just one perfect bicep. One-sleeved tank tops for you in the summer.
Now, let’s pour.
What do you mean you haven’t got the tray ready?
MAN ALIVE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Tray sorted. Phew! Pour.
Hard yet? Great, let’s cut some squares and pretend it went well..
Now it’s time to eat it, but after all that, you’ve worked out you actually wanted butter on toast instead.
That was fun! So did it go right or wrong? If right, well done!
If wrong, it very likely came down to just one thing: temperature.
With fudge, it always comes down to temperature.
Bored of using your reading eyes, we agree! Why not watch this helpful little guide instead?
Good day to you! Don't forget, if it feels like too much, let us do the hard work for you. Browse our lovely Online Fudge Shop and think of what you'll do with all of that saved time.
Maybe start a jigsaw?